Let the Healing Start with You

Today, someone destroyed our mailbox at the church. They tore the big box completely off its wooden plank, busting up the wood, which was bolted down on top of a concrete base. It would have taken quite a bit of work to do that. It would have to be done by hand. It couldn’t have just been a car hitting it by accident. And so, it was obviously on purpose.

 

Now why did someone take the time to do that? I guess they were just relieving some stress. Maybe it was personal or church related. I don’t know. I told my wife about it, and she and I agreed it was just a petty aggravation. Of course, it was frustrating to me. Someone was spreading their own petty aggravation to me and it gave me petty aggravation. It would take some time and money to fix. And considering my lack of skills, I’d have to get someone else to do it. What a bother! As if didn’t have enough to concern myself with already.

 

It was as if someone knew just what button to push at just the right time. Because I was already dealing with some very frustrating things this week. But somehow it really ministered to me. Instead of figuring out who did it and why and making them “pay for it”, or making some big deal out of it that would ruin my attitude, my day, or my weekend, I asked the Lord about it. And I talked to my fellow elders about it. They said it was the other person’s problem, not ours. And fortunately, we live in a land of plentiful mailboxes.

 

And then the godly thought hit me. Someone was spreading their own petty aggravation to me and it gave me petty aggravation. But would I take that petty aggravation and try to put it on someone else? Would I spread it out, or stop it from spreading? Would I make the world a more hurting and hurtful place? Or would I let the healing start with me?

 

The lesson is this: Next time someone says something hurtful, personal, spiteful, grumbling, gossip, complaining, bitter, etc., on social media, or when someone anonymously spreads their anger, aggravation, bitterness, stress, etc., out to your world, instead of spreading it out even more, why not let the healing start with you?

“

Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Trust Takes Time

We need to make a distinction between being forgiven of something and being done with something. This is a matter of justification, regeneration, and repentance. Transformation is a process. Just because someone has been forgiven of their sins by God, or forgiven of a particular sin, by others, this doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t still have a sinful problem.

The power of sin is not instantly fixed through forgiveness. By virtue of justification, the eternal penalty for sin, and being guilty in the eyes of God, that is “fixed”. But there remain consequences in this life. Sinful patterns must still be dealt with. By virtue of regeneration, Christians do have the power to overcome sinful patterns, but they must endeavor to do it. It is not automatic. It takes time, effort, and commitment. Christians should forgive, but they should not act as if their forgiveness of a person, or even God’s forgiveness of a person, means that person is fully and finally healed of their sinful pattern.

There is a difference between repentance proclaimed and repentance proven. Repentance proclaimed (a confession) begins in a moment of time. Repentance proven (a conversion) happens over the course of time. When repentance is proclaimed, we forgive. When repentance has been proven, then we forget. To do otherwise is not wise. Trust takes time.

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Forgiveness Part 5: Judicial, Parental, Personal

Matthew 6:14-15 – If we sin, do we have to wait until we confess before God forgives us? If so, that would mean we fall out of forgiveness, we lose our salvation until we ask for forgiveness. Some teach this, but when we think it through clearly, that teaching is obviously in error. There is a difference between judicial forgiveness and parental (fellowship) forgiveness. Judicial forgiveness is about God being our Father (cf. Ephesians 1:3-7), while parental forgiveness is calling on God as Father. We are judicially forgiven the minute we commit that sin because we have Jesus as an advocate in heaven (1 John 2:1). What we need to do is to confess our sin before God in order to continue in and restore close fellowship (1 John 1:9).

Jesus was not giving some requirement for salvation. He was saying that those who are forgiven become forgiving people themselves (cf. Colossians 3:13). If we do not forgive we become resentful, of other people, of life, and of God. Resentment leads to cynicism, which leads to bitterness, which yields rotten fruit.

Do you forgive yourself? – You don’t forgive yourself it is God who forgives you, and if you are looking for that, the power to forgive yourself, well then you are looking to be God and you realize you don’t have the power and you feel bad and no wonder. Lack of ability to forgive self is not the problem. What is happening is that we are just recognizing that something more needs to be done. Although we recognize that we have been forgiven, we have not changed. We are crying out for the change that will assure us that we will never do anything like it again. Instead of using this “I need to forgive myself” language, which is unbiblical, we need to learn to deal with the problems in our lives that led to the wrong, in such a way that we adopt a more biblical lifestyle. We accept God’s judicial forgiveness and seek His parental forgiveness by confessing sin and seeking sanctification. We grow in the knowledge of our eternal forgiveness which leads to further growth in grace (Colossians 1:9-14).

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Forgiveness Part 4: Two Different Facets

Luke 17:3 and Mark 11:25 are different.

Luke 17:3
• Horizontal focus – offended speaks to the offender (rebuking him)
• Conditional forgiveness (If he repents)
• Access to offender is required
• Offender is the one who benefits (you grant forgiveness)

Mark 11:25
• Vertical focus – offended speaks to God
• Unconditional forgiveness
• Access to offender not required (not a person who repents but anyone, access or not, no bitterness, we give it to God, Romans 12:17-21, you can only do this by praying first)
• Offended is the one who benefits (you are released from bitterness)

Unforgiveness breaks fellowship with God, and hinders our prayer life. We must be WILLING to forgive. This doesn’t mean that we only have to forgive them before God but that we can hold onto our unforgiveness until we see them come to us to repent, and if they never do we never forgive. No, if we are able we must go to them, rebuke them, and give them a chance to repent. If we go to the person and they will not repent, and they leave, you release it to God (Mark 11:25) so that you will not become bitter. This is vertical.

What about those who cannot repent? You say, “I was wronged, but don’t even really know who did it, I can’t find them, and they haven’t repented, this thing is haunting me, so what am I supposed to do?” This would include a dead relative. Other examples: you were robbed, spam ruined your computer, you were taken advantage of in some anonymous way, etc. Don’t go looking for them, just forgive, don’t demand you rights, you give them to Christ. If you don’t have access to a person, well, you forgive them in the Mark 11:25 sense anyway, and the Luke 17:3 sense doesn’t apply right now because there is no access, no active fellowship anyway, so it doesn’t really matter, in that sense, unless and until they enter the picture.

If your spouse, child, or family walks away with no repentance you can and must still forgive, in the Mark 11:25 sense, but now the Luke 17:3 comes into play in the horizontal scenario. We rebuked them and they refused to repent. We forgive them to God and release it, but we do not have to place our trust in them. If they at some later point decide to repent, we must then forgive them in the horizontal fashion, and offer fellowship once again. Think about the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) – the father had already forgiven the younger son, but until that son came back to seek forgiveness, he did not live in fellowship.

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Forgiveness Part 3: Process & Practice

Matthew 18:15-35 shows us this process. Vs.15-20 details how it may play out in the church, and then Jesus tells us what our attitude should be in vs.21-35.

• How often are we supposed to forgive? Always (vs.22)
• How much does God forgive us when we ask? Everything (vs.23-27) (in both instances they asked for forgiveness)
• Do we have any excuses not to forgive repentant people? No (vs.28-35)

Forgiven people become forgiving people. We have received mercy and we are called to be merciful. Ephesians 4:32 – we are to be forgiving to others because God has forgiven us.

We must forgive those who are repentant, but we must give an opportunity to repent, and not hold onto bitterness. We must confront them with the offense. Of course we need to realize the difference between a true offense and our personal problem with thin skin. We need to develop grace and mercy in our lives, and not be bothered over every little thing. Still there are times we should go to a person, and it takes courage to practice biblical forgiveness. Forgiving one another is part of our church’s Mission Statement, but we need to be biblical in dealing with it.

Is it always required that I rebuke a brother who sins? No, if you are truly not concerned with it, if it will not become a root of bitterness (1 Peter 4:8 / 1 Corinthians 13:5). If love covers it, then it must be covered, but if you are still thinking about it, then your heart is uncovered.

What about someone who is over me in authority, like a pastor, a boss, a parent, an older person? 1 Timothy 5:1-2 – do not speak harshly, or sharply rebuke, but honor them as we correct them, like we would a father we loved.

We should consider our own spiritual condition before we rebuke someone. This is not in a “who is the better brother” way, but examining our own heart before the Lord (Matthew 7:3-5), as we will discuss with Mark 11:25. Your attitude may be causing you to see this out of proportion.

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Forgiveness Part 2: Rebuke & Repent

Luke 17:3-6

If (we are sinned against) – We have to establish it in the first place; have they truly sinned against us? Perhaps it is just miscommunication or not a sin at all. This doesn’t usually start unless we bring the matter to them. If they bring it to us, the process is already started but we cannot hide behind their lack of coming to us with the offense, we must go to them and tell them of how we were sinned against. If we are indeed sinned against, and it is something we would continue to hold against them, then we must rebuke them, to give them a chance to repent.

Then (we rebuke) – rebuke means correct not condemn, bringing it to their attention, they may not even realize it, and if they do it is still right to bring it up. We rebuke with the sense that we are hoping that they will repent.

If (they repent) – The goal of the rebuke is to give an opportunity to repent and repentance gives us the opportunity to grant forgiveness. It is important to discuss repentance in this context. When someone repents, what are they doing?

• Confession of the sin (confession means saying the same thing God says about it)
• Taking responsibility for the sin (I was wrong, not justifying the action)
• Asking forgiveness (not “I apologize”, or “I’m sorry”, but “I sinned against you, would you please forgive me”. If we ask for forgiveness and they say it is not a big deal, or don’t worry about it, say to them it is a big deal, will you please forgive me, and continue till they say that they forgive you. It is biblical and very helpful to use these words.
• It does not mean we have to wait for some fruit (17:4, all they do is say it at this point)
• Our faith is not the issue, obedience to this command is (vs.5-6) – we are not permitted to judge another’s repentance. If someone had sinned against me seven times in a day, in other words, they kept on and on, and kept asking me to forgive them, I might think that they were not really sincere. Yet Jesus still commands me to forgive them.

Then (forgive them) – If we say “yes I forgive you”, what are we promising?

• Forgiveness is not a feeling (we can forgive even if we don’t feel like it).
• Forgiveness is not forgetting. What does God’s forgiveness look like? Jeremiah 31:34 – When God forgives sin He promises never to hold our sin against us. “Remember no more” means God won’t bring it up to our account again. God chastises me for my sin, yes, disciplines me, yes, punishes me, NO, because Jesus already took the punishment for my sins on the Cross.
• What about the judgment seat of Christ? It is not about condemnation, but commendation (see our sermon Crown Him with many Crowns)

So what we do when we forgive someone is that we never hold their sin against them. In practical terms this means we don’t unnecessarily bring it up to them, to our own selves, or to others. It is a promise we can keep even if we don’t feel like it. It is also something we cannot refuse if someone is repentant.

We have to deal with this, we don’t just “let it go” because we can end up holding onto that thing and it becomes bitterness and it colors everything we think about them. We have such a problem with bitterness because we don’t have forgiveness, and we don’t have forgiveness many times because we don’t have a rebuke. This is a command of scripture, BOTH parts, not just the forgive part, but also the rebuke, but it must first be done privately. More on that next time.

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Forgiveness Part 1: An Understanding

Forgiveness is something we receive, we believe, we give, we develop, and we remember. This is a broad, multi-faceted subject, and we could discuss many related things, such as

• forgiveness of sin is the foundation of our reconciliation (cf. 2 Corinthians 5:18-21)

• we are forgiven forever; past, present, and future (cf. Romans 4:7-8 / Hebrews 7:23-28)

• Judicial forgiveness is about God being our Father (cf. Ephesians 1:3-7 / Colossians 1:12-14), while Parental forgiveness is calling on God as Father, which is vital to our fellowship with God (cf. 1 John 1:8-9)

What we want to do over the next few posts is to focus on forgiving others who have wounded us, in situations where they repent, and in other situations where they cannot or will not repent. The points we just referred to above will have bearing on this.

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©

Forgiving, Forgetting, and Fellowship

But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men
(John 2:24 – NIV)

Our lives are built in, on, and around relationships, and some are meant to be closer than others. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Jesus had many followers, but twelve disciples who were closest, and three in the innermost circle. What then of other relationships, where do we draw lines, or do we let everyone have the same level of fellowship with us? For us, considering the marriage covenant, we can easily see that not all relationships are to be the same. There are levels of association that we must consider when thinking of these matters.

For simplicity’s sake we can categorize levels of association as Retaliation, Toleration, Cooperation, and Participation. Of course, for a Christian, initiating physical retaliation is never an option (Romans 12:17-21), and spiritual warfare in apologetics and defending the faith are matters where God determines the parameters (2 Corinthians 10:5). We are talking primarily about individual relationships, and also to an extent church cooperation between fellowships. What we want to do is have our relationships advance to the furthest point advisable.

What do we do when someone wrongs us, and then repents? Or when they do not repent, what then? “I’ll never do that again!” How many times have we heard it, or said it ourselves? You can forgive someone but still not be able to trust the person; and that can be wisdom, not unforgiveness. What does forgiveness look like, though? What about those who knowingly take advantage of our "HAVE TO" style of forgiveness (notwithstanding Luke 17:3-4)?

Regarding forgiveness and Christians, let’s paint a picture for your consideration.

Lets say you and I are roofers, and we own a roofing company. One of the members of our small church desperately needs a job, and tells us what a great roofer he is. He is known by us to be a "great guy", and a true Christian, as far as we can tell.

Well, we give him a job. Lo and behold, he is a terrible roofer, he messes up several jobs for us in just a week’s time, and we now doubt if he even had any roofing experience in the first place.

He comes to us and says "sorry, I really needed this job, but I can't do it. But you HAVE to forgive me, right?"

Of course we forgive him. But the question is, would we now say "okay, we forgive you, now you can go right back and get on that roof, we love you."

No, we wouldn't. That would be stupid.

What would we say, then?

Perhaps something like, "yes we HAVE to forgive you, but that doesn't mean that we have to let you keep on ruining our business. Tell you what; go and get some training, get a license, do an apprenticeship with another roofer, and then, maybe, we will TALK to you about coming back to work for us again." "Of course we love you, but we can't let you roof anymore."

Forgiving but not forgetting? Is this right or wise? Where is the line: 70 x 7, or what?

It is what we mean by forgiveness that comes into play here, and what those who know just enough of the Bible to try and justify his or her bad behavior will use to wear someone out with.

Consider this food for thought. I have used this "roofer" example a few times with people who are being used but feel guilty about having to stop someone from using them. It is applicable if they are not trying to get out of "going the extra mile", but that they recognize the other person is in the fold and they don't want to do the wrong thing. You wouldn’t retaliate, and you most certainly would have to tolerate, and you will cooperate in witnessing endeavors or other church activities, but to participate with them in doing a roofing job, now that would be a different matter. Of course, you could do their roof for them, as a way to show your forgiveness, without having to let them ruin your business and your fellowship.

This applies to everyday life, for sure. And church life also. Minor doctrinal differences ought not to divide us completely. We should be at least in the cooperation level, for example regarding disaster relief, let’s say, when talking of Baptists and Presbyterians. Just because we have a disagreement about water (baptism) doesn’t mean we cannot pull together to pull someone out of a fire (physical or spiritual)!

Yes, participation in other matters will be more complex, such as what to do with each other in communion and defining church membership. These issues cannot be dismissed with a simple “let’s just all get along”. Still, if we would understand where we are at regarding the cooperation level, we might not have to have so many exclusions. It is good to have strong convictions, let’s just make sure we don’t take our convictions and then convict others of like precious faith.

What say you?

“Living For Today With An Eye For Tomorrow”©